"the second miracle was the time spent with you" | ASPECTS GAME

[miraculess]

Warnings for violence, self harm, and suicide attempts and ideation.

(Also for overblown symbolism and the fact I am almost entirely winging this ;D)

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[miraculess]

Who was on our team when you first joined it?

[ofobedience]

[he's silent a moment as he thinks about this]

You. Victor. Caster. Fabian...Estinien?

[he shakes his head]

But that's not the point. Perhaps I don't remember everyone, but I barely spoke to anyone then. I was...scared of everything. But I remember you. Surely what matters is I remember you. You're not just anyone.

[miraculess]

I don't really remember anyone who was with me in the beginning.

Everyone gets forgotten in the end. You'd keep going.

[ofobedience]

[he turns towards her then, face splitting on a bitter uneven smile that's either unlike him or more like him, one or the other]

That might be true of some people. Perhaps I'll forget some of them, and there's something sad about that, but you don't forget someone who made you feel like you belong somewhere, like you were wanted, when all you've ever known is rejection.

[miraculess]

[ she looks startled— and then something in his expression makes her own crack wide open, going from dull despair to absolute, abject misery ]

I'm sorry. ...I'm sorry.

[ofobedience]

[the expression melts away, abject concern sliding in to take it's place]

What for?

[miraculess]

[ shakes her head wordlessly, squeezing her eyes shut—

oh. good job, Giovanni, you've made her cry ]

[ofobedience]

[well, shit. that wasn't his intention at all. he rolls onto his side in the water, moves to touch her, but slowly in case she lashes out or prefers he stays away]

Lilith...

YOU DIDN'T SEE THAT

[miraculess]

[ turns her face into the damp sand of the beach and hiccups miserably. at least she doesn't seem to mind the touch, although she doesn't really react to it at all ]

SEE WHAT?? THERE WAS NOTHING TO SEE

[ofobedience]

[her pitiful tears open up a raw ugly wound in him and if she's not going to pull back he'll reach over and hold her bodily, press her against his chest. this isn't what he wanted to achieve. not at all]

[miraculess]

[ there's no resistance at all; she might as well be a very heavy, very wet rag doll. a rag doll that nevertheless turns her face so that when he pulls her close, it's only natural to tuck it against him, still mumbling half-coherent apologies into the vicinity of his neck ]

[ofobedience]

[it's a painful thing, seeing her like this, and all he feels he can do is keep her close, hold on to her, quietly shush the apologies and hope that his continued closeness can eventually soothe something in her]

[miraculess]

[ she does eventually wind down to a slow leak, snuffling wetly ]

...you deserve better...

[ofobedience]

[she can snuffle against him as long as she wants-- he isn't going anywhere]

I don't want better. I want you, as you are.

[miraculess]

[ a wordless protest in the form of a weak headbutt ]

[ofobedience]

[keeps hold of her, smiles very slightly, but he's not going to let her get away with it]

I mean it.

[miraculess]

I don't want you to end up like me.

[ofobedience]

I don't know how I'm going to end up.

[miraculess]

[ fists one hand loosely in his clothes ]

...I can't protect you from that. Shouldn't.

[ unsaid: "I want to." ]

[ofobedience]

[unsaid, but he knows it]

But you're here with me. You're pack leader. And that makes everything easier.

[it's the sense of belonging, being wanted-- it matters enough that perhaps it can outweigh everything else]

[miraculess]

[ butts her forehead against his collarbone again. ]

...why am I...?

[ofobedience]

You said I belonged to Larkspur. You've done things to protect me. You seem to care what happens to me. You're strong and you're brave, even though things are difficult for you too. Those things matter to me. A lot.

[miraculess]

[ time to start leaking again ]

That isn't... it isn't strength. It's... selfish.

[ofobedience]

How is it selfish?

[miraculess]

I don't want to be alone.